Shorts from Not So Funny When It Happened edited by Tim Cahill:
"There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes his whole universe for a vast practical joke." ~ Herman Melville
"I was doing my usual shuffle, trying to convey something in French to a horrified merchant, when my daughter Anna, then eight years old, took me aside and advised, 'Daddy, you need a lot of spit in your mouth to speak French.' Alas, my drooling has only caused more problems." ~ James O'Reilly
"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses." ~ Margaret Millar
"It wasn't until we were in college that we realized anthropology is just travel writing about places with no room service." ~ P.J. O'Rourke
"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine." ~ Jack Handey
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there." ~ George Burns
"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way." ~ Jack Handey
"I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas." ~ Jack Handey
"I sat in the Delhi airport and watched the big electric clock in the departure hall that tells passengers when to board. I thought I imagined that time was moving in fits and starts: 1:12 A.M. for fifteen minutes, then 1:27 for another twenty, 1:47...Closer inspection revealed that the clock was not plugged in, and its digits were being flipped manually by a little man in gray overalls whenever the mood took him." ~ Jonah Blank
"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff." ~ Jack Handey
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